Arkham Valentine's Day Special
by EP Darkside
Summary: The Arkham Asylum inmates are celebrating the infamous holiday known as Valentine's day...Or at least Harley Quinn is...Will The Joker remember to give her a present? Or will he have to improvise...?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I DO NOT own the characters in this fanfiction. They are owned by DC Comics.

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><p>It was Tuesday at Arkham Asylum. Just like every normal day except for one simple thing…It was Valentine's Day. Calendar Man was informing everyone of this fact for the fiftieth time in twenty minutes and just about every inmate around him silently prayed for a gun, a dagger, a toothpick, <em>something<em> to fall out of the sky so they could _kill_ him with it. However, there were people who actually liked Valentine's Day in the Asylum…

Harleen Quinzel, aka Harley Quinn was silently tying, untying and retying the bright green bow on a bright red box. A present for the love of her life, her Mistah J. Harley giggles to herself and looks over the gift one last time to make sure it was absolutely, positively _perfect_. The Joker deserves no less, after all.

Harley picks up the gift carefully as the guards start yelling out that it was time for their daily exercise outside. She giggles again excitedly and nearly runs out the door when it was opened, moving to walk behind her bestest friend in the world, Poison Ivy. "Is that the clown's present?" Ivy asks with a frown, seeing the red and green present in her arms.

"Yuppers, that's for my Mistah J…" Harley says with a dramatic and dreamy sigh.

Poison Ivy rolls her eyes and groans. "You do realize that he probably didn't get you anything" Ivy informs her matter-a-factly, pulling out a seed, hidden from the guards in her cleavage, and making it grow into a beautiful multi-colored rose and tucking it into Harley's hair as they enter the exercise yard and the guards lock them inside.

"C'mon, Ivy! Stop being such a sour-puss! Of _course_ Mistah J got me a gift, it's Valentine's Day! We've been together for more than two years!" Harley says with a laugh before gasping when seeing the rose. "Thank you, Ivy! You're the best _ever_!" Harley exclaims happily, hugging Ivy tightly.

Ivy stands awkwardly for a moment before gently hugging her back. "Just don't give your hopes up too much, alright? I don't like seeing you hurt…" Ivy starts, concerned before seeing the infamous clown walking around aimlessly, whistling 'Smile, darn ya, smile' and empty-handed. "And The Joker seems to have a talent for it" Ivy growls, glaring at the so-called Clown Prince of Crime.

"Oooh! There he is! Wish me luck, Ivy!" Harley gasps with a squeal of delight, skipping over to him.

"Ah! Harley! How are you, sweetheart?" The Joker purrs, wrapping his arms around her waist as she hides the present behind her back. "Hmm, Whatcha got there?"

"Just close your eyes and no peeking!" Harley tells him, giggling and bouncing on her heels.

The Joker stares at Harley for a moment, weighing his options before sighing and nodding. "Alright, Harl" Joker mutters as he closes his eyes.

"No peeking~" Harley coos in a sing-song voice, gingerly putting the present in his hands. "Kay, you can open your eyes now!"

The Joker opens his eyes and stares down at the gift. _'Shit…Is it our Anniversary? No…No, that was a month ago, I remember…It's February, so it's not Christmas and it sure as Hell isn't my birthday…'_ The Joker thinks desperately to himself before noticing a heart-shaped chocolate box in a nearby guard's hands. _'Fuck, Valentine's Day…Think fast, you're stuck here for at least two more days and if you piss Harley off again…'_ The Joker shudders to himself, still staring at the present like it was going to rear up and eat him.

"Mistah J?" Harley questions, frowning at him when seeing him not opening the present.

"I was…Just thinking about how nice this present is, Harl. Thank you" The Joker says slowly, his mind quickly searching for possible emergency gifts as he deliberately opens the present as slowly and carefully as possible, where normally he would just tear it apart. Unfortunately, Harley notices.

"Are you feelin' okay? Are ya sick?" Harley says in concern, starting to orbit around The Joker and checking him for injuries or signs of sickness.

"I'm fine, Harley, I just don't want to wreck something you worked so hard on…" The Joker mutters, finally opening the box and seeing a heart made of wood painted pink with the words 'Joker X Harley Forever' carved into it. _'Damn…Hand-made…I'm screwed'_. The Joker resists the urge to break the offending hunk of log into splinters and forces a smile. "Thanks, Harley. It's perfect" The Joker says in his happiest voice, laughing a bit.

"Yay! I knew you would love it, Mistah J! I just knew!" Harley says happily, hugging The Joker so tightly, he thought he heard ribs crack.

"Let. Go" The Joker growls simply, his left eye twitching slightly. He would _not_ hesitate to _punch_ the little annoyance, Valentine's Day or not, there was no contact unless _he _initiated it.

Harley squeaks and jumps back fearfully, whimpering. "I'm sorry, Mistah J…I was just so happy…"

"I don't _care_! You _know _the rules!" The Joker yells, his hands clenching into fists as he glares daggers at the girl.

Harley's eyes fill with tears and she whimpers more, backing away as Poison Ivy stands up and glares at The Joker from across the yard.

The Joker weighs his options again before smirking to himself and relaxing his tense pose. "You're not getting your present until dinner because _you_ broke the rules" The Joker says simply.

"B-But Mistah J!" Harley protests before being stopped by The Joker's wagging index finger.

"Uh, uh, uh! No Buts! You broke a rule so you'll have to wait!" The Joker says playfully, laughing loudly as he turns his back on her and walks away just as the guards call for the end of the exercise session.

Harley simply stares at the back of The Joker's white shirt, the one everyone at the Asylum had to wear, and pouts. "No fair…"

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><p>Author's notes:<p>

**Dark:** Geez, first story in forever! And I have to make it a chaptered one since I ran out of time! Sorry, kiddies! Happy Valentine's and don't choke on those chalky heart 'candies'. Shall update tomorrow, that's a promise!


	2. Chapter 2

The Joker was leaning gingerly against the wall. Dinner was in about five hours, so he did _not_ have much time to scrounge up a present for Harley. However, the Duke of Knaves had a plan and that plan involved breaking in to the highly secure Evidence Room down the hall. There just _had_ to be something for her there. He eyes the two security cameras that were permanently fixated on his cell, a result of his nineteenth successful escape in three months from Arkham, and then his eyes wander to the other cameras in the hall. It would normally be quite difficult to get past those pesky little machines all by his lonesome…So it was a good thing he had back-up this time around!

"Edward~ Oh, Edwaaaard~" The Joker calls to the cell that sat diagonally from him in a sing-song voice.

The Riddler drops the book he was reading down on his lap, letting out an exasperated sigh. "What is it, Joker?"

"You owe me a favor~" The Joker coos, giggling madly to himself.

"I remember…" Edward Nigma groans, "What do you want?"

"A little snitch told me you found a way to hack the security cameras…" The Joker purrs, peering through his bars and staring into Nigma's cell with his trademark grin plastered on his face.

"Did you kill him afterwards?" Edward growls, his eyes narrowing slightly. He wanted to keep that a _secret_.

"Well…Let's just say he…_Wandered_…Into Killer Croc's lair...Entirely by himself, of course. Not like anyone _pushed_ him or anything…" The Joker hints, winking at The Riddler and his smile growing impossibly larger. "Can you hack the cameras for me, Ed?"

"How long do you need them out?" Edward asks quietly, feeling slightly better now that he knew that the little rat had died a horrible death. He grabs a book from the bookshelf he had nearby and opens it, revealing it to be a laptop.

"About fifteen or twenty minutes, won't be long. I just need to pick up a little somethin'-somethin' from the Evidence Room" The Joker says, whistling in admiration when seeing the hidden laptop and heading to his bed. He searched through the sheets until he finds his favorite lockpick.

"Hmm, is that so? Can you grab my cane while you are there?"

"You'll owe me another favor~" The Joker chirps, hiding the lockpick behind his back until the cameras were off.

"Nevermind…" The Riddler mutters, deciding not to continue pursuing debts with the smiling devil before him. His fingers dance over the keys of the laptop, a light clicking echoing down the hall before he presses the enter key with finality. This puts all the cameras on an endless loop, the little red light on them turning green, the Riddler's favorite and signature color.

"Go, you have about thirty minutes before the guards notice that something's wrong. Don't take too long, Joker"

"No worries, Eddy. You can trust me!" The Joker cackles, slipping his thin, pale arm through the bars with ease and laying his ear on the lock. He inserts the lockpick and after a few seconds, opens the door.

"Well, see ya later, Ed!" The Joker says as he leaves his cell, whistling quietly to himself.

The Riddler mutters curses under his breath, returning to reading his book.

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><p>The Joker whistles quietly to himself, using the ventilation ducts occasionally to avoid the guards before finally reaching the Evidence Room. It was a room guarded by three cameras(Which currently did not function), a three inch thick solid steel door, an alarm in the door that would go off if the door were to be miraculously forced open and a simple, electrical numeric keypad next to the door.<p>

The Joker drops down from the vent above and walks to the keypad, inspecting it closely. He smirks and chuckles when he sees the tell-tale signs of the guard's greasy fingers on the keypad over the numbers 1, 5, and 7. He was a pizza-holic and it was the only reason the door was so ridiculously easy to open. Well, that and the code was only three numbers long. The Joker quickly tries a few random combinations until the keypad beeped twice and the door locks click open.

The Joker licks his lips as he opens the door, a stereotypical choir song playing in his head. He stares around at all the weapons, armor, and other paraphernalia of every inmate in the Asylum…He could play so _very_ many tricks on them after this…But first things first, Harley's gift. He looks around the place like a middle-aged lady in a supermarket. He smirks and grabs a small bottle of Joker Venom and his favorite switchblade before his eyes rest on a solitary teddy bear sitting on a tank of Bane's Venom. It was Osito, Bane's most prized possession…It was the perfect gift for Harley!

The Joker picks it up and examines it closely, thinking to himself. 'It's a bit raggedy and it has a few holes…But I know just the guy who can fix it' The Joker thinks to himself, smirking as he quickly turns around and leaves the room. He closes the door and makes sure it looked the same as before. He walks down the halls again, heading to Humphry Dumpler's Cell.

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><p>Humpty Dumpty's hall had very little security since he was just about the most nonviolent inmate in the entire Asylum and all the other nonviolent inmates were there as well.<p>

"Psst! Hey Humpty!" The Joker hisses in a lowered voice when he reaches Humpty's cell, "I have something for ya to fix!"

"Something to fix? Can I see it?" Humphry asks hesitantly, looking up from the puzzle he was making on the floor and slightly afraid of the Joker.

"Here! It's a stuffed bear!" The Joker says enthusiastically, still keeping his voice low and shoving the fluffy thing into the cell.

"W-What? Is that Osito? Bane's bear?" Humpty asks in surprise, standing up quickly and backing away from it like it was a bomb.

"Yeah, is that a problem?" The Joker asks, still playful but there was a malicious edge to his voice. It was a warning that screamed 'Fix this bear, eggy, or learn to fix yourself because all I will leave behind is pieces!'

"N-No! No problem…Just g-give me a moment and I will fix it for you" Humpty Dumpty mutters nervously, grabbing a sewing set the doctors let him have and pulling out supplies.

"Use red thread" The Joker says suddenly, taking out his switchblade and watching him like a hawk…A grinning, murderous, insane hawk that could kill him in less than a minute without even _trying_.

Humphry whimpers and takes out the red thread, starting to sew up all the tears as fast as he could, fixing the ears as well for good measure.

Meanwhile, The Joker was humming to himself and fooling around with his switchblade, flipping it, tossing it, and catching it masterfully, not cutting himself even once and in the process making Humpty Dumpty exponentially more nervous.

"I-I'm done…" Humpty whispers after a few tense minutes.

"Already? Lemme see" The Joker says quickly, surprised at how fast he finished and reaching for the bear through the bars with one hand, keeping his switchblade in the other.

Humpty Dumpty slowly lifts the bear and holds him out to the Joker, keeping his plump body as far away from the bars as physically possible.

The Joker snatches the plush toy away from Humphry and inspects the workmanship carefully, his green eyes focused solely on the teddy bear before him.

Humphry Dumpler backs into the corner of his cell, whimpering quietly to himself and looking at the Joker tensely.

"It's…_Perfect_! Thanks, Humpty, I owe ya one!" The Joker exclaims, smiling and laughing to himself as he leaves to return to his cell.

"God…I hope Bane doesn't find out about this…" Humphry whimpers, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor again and shuddering.

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><p>Author's notes:<p>

**Dark:** Hello again! I made good on my promise and I intend to post another chappy tomorrow so stay tuned! Please, please, _please_ review!


	3. Chapter 3

Harley Quinn was sitting at the table in the dining area with Poison Ivy, pushing the slop they call food around with her plastic spork and sniffling sadly. It was almost the end of dinner and The Joker hadn't even entered the room.

"Oh Harl…I'm sorry things didn't turn out the way you wanted…Just forget about him, he doesn't deserve you. He never has" Ivy soothes, gently stroking her back.

"How could he forget Valentine's Day? I've been talking about it for weeks!" Harley mopes, pushing her plate away and staring down at her lap.

"Oh Harley~" A familiar voice calls from behind Harley Quinn.

Harley looks up quickly and smiles. "Mistah J?"

The Joker saunters to Harley, a large lump under his shirt. He pulls Harley Quinn to her feet, ignoring Ivy entirely and kisses her roughly for a few moments.

"Now it's your turn to close your eyes" The Joker whispers against her lips, his bright red eyes burning into her light blue ones.

Harley blushes hard and giggles, covering her eyes with her hands.

"No peeking~" The Joker says in a sing-song tone as he pulls Osito out from under his shirt and holds it out to her. "You can open your eyes now~"

Harley uncovers her eyes and gasps when seeing the light brown teddy bear, marveling at its cute little red stitches. "Where did you get him?" Harley asks incredulously, taking the bear and hugging it tightly into her bosom.

"That's a secret~ Happy Valentine's Day, Pooh!" The Joker says with a large grin plastered on his face.

"Thank you so much! I love ya, Mistah J!" Harley giggles, refraining from making the same mistake as before and hugging Joker again. Instead she shifts from foot to foot restlessly, smiling happily.

The Joker chuckles at the scene before him and spreads his arms in welcome, wordlessly giving her permission to hug him.

Harley squeaks joyfully, understanding the message perfectly and hugs Joker tightly. When she feels his arms wrap around her petite frame, practically squeals with delight.

Poison Ivy rolls her eyes and groans at the sight before her, perfectly disgusted by the depth of Harley's infatuation with Joker.

"Is that _my_ Osito?" A deep angry voice questions, the sound echoing through the dining room and turning a few heads. The Joker knew that slight Mexican accent anywhere.

"Oopsies…Gee, for a big, hulking behemoth; you sure blend in well in crowds!" The Joker laughs, unwrapping his arms from around the stunned Harley and pushing her into Ivy's lap as he turns to face Bane, who was sitting only two tables away.

Bane stands up slowly, rolling his shoulders menacingly as he stalks towards Joker and stands before him. Bane casts a shadow over the smaller man and cracks his knuckles loudly. "You stole my possession, Payaso, and now you will pay _dearly_" Bane growls, eyes filled with badly restrained fury.

"Heh, _you'll_ make _me_ pay?" The Joker asks as he pulls his trusty switchblade out of his sleeve and flips it in his hands. "You call that a _joke_?"

"Ooh, this is going to be good…" Poison Ivy purrs, holding Harley close as she stares on in confusion and alarm.

The other inmates echo Ivy's statement and being betting with one another on who the winner of the impending fight will be. Some of them move to other locations, searching for front row seats to the carnage.

The guards on duty scramble about on the balconies above, watching the two super villains warily and discussing whether they should intervene now or wait. Finally, the head guard makes a decision. "These are two of the most dangerous inmates in the Asylum, if we try to stop them now, some of us will die. We'll watch and wait for them to get tired, and then haul their asses to medical, solitary or the morgue. Whichever we need.

"Looks like we got an 'all clear' from the donut patrol, Paco" The Joker says mockingly as he points his index finger up at them. The Joker knew that it would be suicide to attack Bane head on but he had a sharp weapon and Bane had no Venom. If he played it safe, he would win.

"C'mon, take yer best shot!" Joker giggles, making a 'come here' sign with his unoccupied hand.

"Scared, Payaso?" Bane smirks cockily but he hesitates and stares at his opponent. He was no fool and what the Joker lacked in physical strength, he made up for in wicked ingenuity. He was unpredictable and had an incredible resistance to pain. A switchblade in the Joker's hands might as well be a chainsaw.

After a few tense moments of the two criminals glaring at one another, Bane charges quickly and takes a swing at Joker's ribs. Joker sidesteps and slices Bane's left arm from the back of his wrist up to his elbow. Bane roars with pain and grabs Joker by the back of his shirt, throwing him into the concrete pillar in the middle of the dining hall. Joker coughs up a mouthful of blood, feeling some ribs crack but he gleefully ignores it, knowing that he crippled one of Bane's arms and increased his chances of winning the fight.

Bane charges at Joker again, this time more cautious as he dodges a stab to the chest and punches Joker in the stomach with his good arm. The Joker dry heaves and coughs, snarling angrily and shoving his thumb into Bane's left eye to force him away. Bane lets out a pained shout and backs off, holding his eye and glaring at The Joker with the other. Joker laughs weakly and smirks to himself.

"What's wrong? Don't like it rough, big boy?"

Bane pulls his hand away from his reddened eye as they narrow in rage and he grabs the metal leg of a table nearby and rips it clean off. The inmates sitting at that table shout in surprise and scramble to get to another table, not wanting to be caught in the crossfire. The Joker's trademark smile slips off his face momentarily as Bane takes a swing and he barely manages to get out of the way, cutting a shallow diagonal slash on Bane's chest. Bane ignores the slight sting of pain and sees an opening, bringing the metal leg down on Joker's shoulder. A loud crack resounds through the room and the criminals groan to themselves in unison. Some chuckle to themselves, thinking that they won their bets and Bane won. They were wrong.

The Joker laughs loudly as he shoves the switchblade deep into Bane's unprotected stomach, making a move to disembowel him but Bane moves back just in time, hissing and grabbing the hilt of the blade in his stomach. His face contorts in agony and he glares darkly at the Clown Prince of Crime.

"Now, you just _had_ to go and move, didya?" Joker growls, clutching his limp arm and glaring right back at Bane.

"Were you expecting an easy battle?" Bane asks angrily, pulling the knife out slowly and choking down a groan. Blood spills on the floor as he throws the knife carelessly to the side and out of reach of the Joker. He knew that now he had the upper hand.

The two criminals stare each other down, breathing heavily and preparing for a final charge. Above them, the guards reload their tranquilizer guns, getting ready to step in. The other inmates sit on the edge of their chairs, silent as death as the suspense builds until suddenly, the unexpected happens.

Out of nowhere, a police baton cracks against the back of Bane's head. Bane's eyes roll as he falls to the ground, out cold. "You…" Harley says in a low menacing tone, stepping over Bane's limp body and towards Joker slowly. Behind her, a bloodied and probably dead guard and a shocked Poison Ivy with her mouth wide open.

"H-Harley, I can explain-" The Joker starts, effectively terrified by the furious blonde.

"Shut it! You _stole_ Bane's bear and got Humpty to fix it 'cause you forgot it was Valentine's Day, didn't you!" Harley screams accusingly, pointing the police baton at him.

The injured Joker shrinks away from Harley, giving her a slight nod as Harley stands before him.

"That…That is the most…_Romantic_ thing you have ever done for me! You risked your life by stealing Bane's most prized possession and fixed it up to look nice and pretty all for me! I love ya, puddin'!" Harley says happily, dropping the baton and very gently hugging Joker, careful to avoid his injuries.

"Aww…You know I'll only get the best for you, Harl" Joker coos, allowing the hug only because the baton was still dangerously close to his emotionally unstable girlfriend, and wrapping his uninjured arm around her.

"Everybody on your knees, _now_! Hands behind your head!" The Head guard calls as the other guards rush in. The inmates drop to their knees quickly, a few of them grumbling about losing their bets.

Joker and Harley drop to their knees together slowly. Harley reluctantly unwraps her arms from the Joker and repositions them behind her head, pouting in disappointment.

The Joker chuckles at her cute pout and mouths _'later'_, winking as he puts the only hand he could move behind his head.

Harley squeals in delight as the guards gently nudge Bane with their feet to make sure he was unconscious before dragging him into a gurney and off to the Medical wing.

Other guards pull Joker up roughly, earning a quiet groan of pain from said clown. "Be gentle with me, boys. I've had a rough night" The Joker tells them before laughing loudly at his own joke.

"Be careful with my Mistah J, you meatheads!" Harley screams in outrage.

"No worries, pumpkin pie, I'll be just fine" Joker soothes as they lead him away to the Medical wing. "Oh! And happy Valentine's Day!" The Joker calls, laughing maniacally as the other prisoners are ushered back into their cells.

"That's my Mistah J…" Harley sighs dreamily, smiling in his general direction as she is forced back into her own cell.

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><p>Authors notes:<p>

**Dark:** First of all, I would like to thank all my reviewers. You're all awesome! Sorry for the wait, I had unexpected priorities to take care of...However, I hope I made up for it! Please tell me what you think and stay tuned to my profile 'cause this ain't the only thing I'm going to write and that's a guarantee!


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